Madame Pig Valve

So, yesterday was a bad day. I was feeling really let down, rejected and dejected. I'm better today. I think 14+ hours of sleep helped. :-O (Now, I'll sleep for crap tonight. I'll deal with that later.)

We finally are in United Healthcare's database(s). But, again, we have no policy number or cards. This means no loony doctor until I have both things. /sigh [I really need to start with the counseling soon so I don't lose what friends I do have. Meh. That would suck major hairy 'nads.]

Ohh. Chatted with the hi5 guy today. It was funny because he kept saying he wanted to meet me, that he didn't think my weight was bad, et cetera. Blah, blah, blah. I suspect he is married, so, again, no go. I think it'd be a no go, anyway. My experiences with men have been crappy of late. 'Yes, I just want to f*ck you. Nothing more.' Thanks, that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER, so flattered. My c*nt rocks, but not me. Woo?

Of course, there is the dejected look when they realize I was telling the truth about being fat, not just having 5-10 vanity pounds. ATTENTION MEN OF THE WORLD: ESME REALLY IS FAT! SHE DOES TELL THE TRUTH! If you don't like me because I'm fat and truthful about it, FUCK YOU, you arrogant, shallow bastards! Don't like me because there isn't much to me anymore. Don't like me because I don't know or care to know about your passions. Don't like me because I'm a boring piece of shite. Don't like me because my politics piss you off. Don't like me because I choose not to spend a Sunday hour or two planted in a pew. Don't like me because I do posts like this one.

See? There are many reasons and more to dislike me other than my weight. I'm leaving that shelter behind. I realize people don't like me not because I'm fat, but because of many other reasons. So, I don't use that anymore. It's pointless and shifts the blame elsewhere. I accept the blame for being unlikeable.

I cannot please everyone. I cannot be everything to everyone. I can only be me. Even if 'me' is currently a whole lot of nothing inside. (Sometimes, I wish I had a nougat center. That would give me something inside. (well, other than guts and blood.)) It's who I am right now. Like it or not.

Okay. Ahem. Well, that rant is over.

I feel depleted now. In a good way, though. Got a lot off my chest. Thanks for reading. Thanks for not reading and rolling the eyes. (Of course, if you aren't reading, you wouldn't see this. I crack me up!) Either way, it's all all right.

Now, for food! I want a burrito, but that is a bad idea this weekend. The hunt begins.

/insert creepy hunting music here...dim lights...exit